A Black Night Collapse

Up a tree as the storm hit,
Floods of people scuttled home,
Worried looks were everywhere,
A hundred gods groaned,

Rain dropped down in sheets,
Buildings creaked and sighed,
Litter grappled the evening
In miniature whirlwinds,

There were widows screaming questions,
Dogs howling like coyotes
And children wailing
Like banshees confused,

Siege mentalities gripped
And the streets become rivers
As I saw from up high
A black night collapse,

Dreams visiting in waves,
Beauty snatched away in moments,
Regret a moving force,
Dark clouds tarring the sky,

A way to worry forever.


11 Responses to “A Black Night Collapse”

  1. here too you need present tense to give the right urgency to your poem – it should be floods of people scuttle home – you need to pay more attention to the way your images work together too – why do floods scuttle? and if the children wail like banshees why are they also confused? what does this refer to? you shift from cliche to obscure and partial image e.g. the rain drops down in sheets (cliche) but the windows scream questions (obscure). You need to settle on a clearer voice and scrutinise the images you’re creating. At the moment you’re double loading (children, who are banshees, who wail AND are confused) and thereby undermining your images. Look out for grammatical errors too and imprecise words e.g. litter grappled the evening – If this is a black night, why do you use evening (a softer, liminal time) here? are you indicating a time shift in the poem (it was evening and then night)? or if this is happening in the evening why is the poem called black night? grammatically, the litter should grapple WITH the evening.

  2. the last line destroys me…

  3. dunstancarter Says:

    Ah, thanks Evelyn 🙂

  4. Imageries are strong, and the poem is good (overall I mean) because it does generate the sense of darkness throughout the course of its narration.

    Best wishes.

    P.S.- I read Ben’s comment. It does raise some genuine questions on technicalities.

  5. It made me feel the inner scare and feel the darkness which can stir up our soul…Gr8 writing…

  6. Great imagery I could visualize every moment and I do feel a sense of intensity, I really don’t write so often in present tense its sort of awkward somehow. I think children often cry when they are overwhelmed and when they don’t understand why something is happening. They lack the language to express all of their feelings and hell sometimes I cry when I am scared and confused! Great poem and I love your creativity

  7. Not writing in the present tense seemed more natural. I always prefer to write in a way that feels right, rather than concentrating on technicalities. its. by no means one of my better poems but I thought it good enough to share. Thanks for all your feedback. I love it all.

  8. Hello Dunstan. I didn’t think you did too badly with this one. Ben did raise some good points, but even after that, we all understood what you were trying to convey.

    Good job!

  9. Kay Salady Says:

    It takes a seasoned writer to familiarize himself with past/present tense and to take notice of detail. The most important thing is the fact that you can convey your thoughts, and you did very well in this instance. This type of storm comes and goes in the blink of an eye. Recollection would be in past tense. The night would not be so black at the onset of the impending storm. You indicated the clouds came and tarred the sky. The night became black when the storm took away everything in its path. I looked at the title as a metaphor. All of it made perfect sense to me. Always make the poem your own and never apologize or change it to please someone else. This is “your” poetry.

  10. Good grief! This is awesome! The vivid images leap off the page. I could see debris floating by me from my perch in the tree!

  11. Wow, thanks Charles – awesome reaction

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